Ready to be me.

I'm ready to be me, I'm ready to stop living for everyone else.
I want to be happy, and I want to stop taking the bullshit. I am ready.

bravo for me.

There is no way to inventory my current feelings. Worse yet I couldn't tell you where they came from. I can say that a children's book may have changed my life and my ability to leave things, emotions, moments, feelings of inadequacy, self doubt and internal torment right where they ended. To not carry them across the travels of my existence. I do not care if you do not understand my reasons, i do not care if you do not appreciate my methods, I am this much more near to what may be happiness. I think I am happier for it,and at the same time a little lost.

Hello my name is Courtenay and its been over one year since I've blogged.

Life is different now and yet the same as it ever was.

before I struggled with one job that tested my moral sense of well being and constant state of panic for 3 or 4 jobs that are more fun but less stable.
Before, I was coming to terms being left alone by someone i had shared 2 very good years of my life with, and now I share my life with someone who is truly supportive and loving although interesting.
before I had a shadow of a life, mostly work and home, now I feel so rich with hobbies and function as well as surprise.
Before I had loose plans to go back to school and now they are more solid.

there are still moments of doubt, like the speeding ticket I refuse to deal with because I don't have the money and I am convinced that our legal system is just fucked up enough to let Paris Hilton have a weeks worth of jail time for her 3rd DUI, and then would incarcerate me for neglecting a speeding ticket 6 months.
Another doubt is in the fat, literally encasing my organs as we speak. I want to lose the weight but i like the art of eating well far more.
Yet another is in the 2 year rub I am steadily approaching with my love. In 6 months or so I will be at the threshold of a new experience, a long steady relationship. I want very badly to make it work and not push away like i always do. But maybe thats what i am a drifter, emotionally speaking, not wanting to get to close in fear that i may be rejected.

Hopefully my blog space will be one more of entertainment and less wah wha wah from here on out.

awesome.

I’m finished with the books I was reading. Now I am sad for I am out of new things to read. Redundant, no? So I ask myself what do I read next I’m on a roll and do not wish to discontinue the reading goodness. So, if there were any suggestions they would be really appreciated. I generally read two at a time, one in the car and one at home. So I need two books that are super different so they don’t get confused. I really like Gregory Maguire, and Amy Tan, Hubert Selby Jr., and Chuck Palahniuk as far as modern authors go, and really really love Steinbeck, Shakespeare, Jane Austen, the classics blah blah blah. I hate Barbara Kingslover I hate her. There…. No suggest away friends! Now!

I can be teachin sooner than later!
hooray!
I'm so excited I passed my CBEST!

wish me luck on the next step....

does anyone know what the next step is?

drop me a line let me know...
...please

My tummy hurts today.
I was awakened by a 3:45am craving for a PB&J; luckily I have a jar of Grape goober sitting in my cupboard, but alas no bread! I was so inclined, in my zombie like state, to utilize the hamburger buns I had set atop the fridge after making my faux buffalo chicken sandwich the evening pervious. Was this a good idea? Was any of it? The PB&J, the Fake bird? Why of course it wasn’t a good idea, says my inside gastro mind. It was a stupid stupid fucking idea. The Coca-Cola? The canned peaches? I woke up with instead of my regular happy digestive weasels, angry weasels tied into knots, screaming bloody fucking hell, asking for mercy and death. Poor weasels…. I thought perhaps after a short while they would shut up, but now here I am at work at the beck and call of these ferocious internal beasties. If I ever I believed there was no god, it would be now, in this time of great digestive trauma.

In other thoughts, apparently I am not human anymore as my friend (?) and co-worker, constantly treats me like shit. Talks down to me, asks me not to talk, says rude things to me in meetings, and I will not get into how I feel about things on any personal level. For that is long and drawn out and depressing, and I wish not to bother you all with such nonsense. What can I say however for old friends becoming new again? I feel blessed (by who or what I do not know) for reconnecting with Becky (Rebecca) as I have missed her witty banter and youthful optimism. Now I must go and continue the drudgery that is my day-to-day life. Call if you want this weekend looks to be uneventful, but full of Love.

short sweet snipits of my life as it is right now:
Health: Good as it can be vegan food is good, I miss real cheesethough. I've began seeing a head doctor, she seems nice but I'm neverupset when I'm on the couch, I'm upset at night or in the middle of theday, So i guess I feel like all normal and calm in front of her, Iwonder if my depression has stage fright. After being in the ER lastweek i know that I do not like RN's with little patience for difficultveins. Work with me here girls! then getting blood drawn the dayafter... fabulously painful. Then the ultrasound, where she informed methat there were too many "air weasels"*my own term!* to see anything, socats and kittens I may be under the knives for my gallbladder orsomething hell ,take them all out, that's like 20 pounds right? takeall the organs you want.

Life: Meh, I'm sedated most of the time. I'm a little home sick, andreally tired of watching tv. I've been reading non-stop for weeks.Currently Confessions of an ugly step sister, and The pleasures allmine. the first is better, but the second is not that bad. I want tolisten to more depechmode, and some others. Andy and Panda are good dogswith bad habits who I love oh so much, but they do not like fire works. I'm tired of being in bed all the time. I got a bike! I'm so excited tosee all the ways I get damaged from it! It's being "tuned up" at a bikeshop by my house in pacifica. I am really really happy about this. Pacifica is so small, driving it seems over kill, like driving to thestore just for a loaf of bread. so lame. If i still ate taco bell Icould ride there! We saw the devil wears prada and Superman returns. but I'm Not going to get into it.

Work: Ironic, work is a four letter word. I don't hate the job itselfits pretty cool. I hate the surrounding circumstance. The bitchyattitudes, the passive aggressive remarks, the slow eating of the soul. I hate money. More importantly I hate talking about money. I hateasking people for money. My blonde boss makes me sad. It's the way shelooks at me with such disappointment. I feel like the "big" boss isindifferent to it all. Then there's my own self-loathing anddisappointment in my work. I'm tired of clients that treat me like crapbut I wear a smile and deal. I'm trying my slow accession from the 7thring to at least ring 2 or purgatory.

Love: yes, there is some of this. no fuck that tons of it lots of it huge piles of love. alright maybe not that much, but I do love him very much, and he thinks the world of me, and my messy hectic scary, working, tiring ways.

The 4th of fucking July: I went to a party at emma's house and it was fantastic! met new people saw old friends, good times. I made pies andcake! Two Smore pies, and 2 Vegan peanut butter and chocolate pies, anda lemon ginger cake. The smore pie was a happy experiment that wentover well. Ghram cracker crusts, with milk chocolate ganache the richchocolate fudge mousse topped with marshmallow fluff the torched toexcellence. Awesome.That is all for now.