alright i'm as sensitive as the next stupid fuck but seriously now, life is getting rediculous1 i smell like vineger i hate that smell, my friend is mad at me cause i laughed at him, whatever fuck it... fuck this ... fuck him. i feel stupid because petty meaningless shit gets me down... like breaking a nail. now i know its a nail, and its stupid a vain and overall very paris hilton to care, but i do! my mother used to yell at me cause i like to paint my nails but i never took care of them. she said, "courtenay apperance is a small important part of your impression on people. you may not want them to care about you but you should take pride in your apperance, because evan though you don't know it its important." from that moment on i've been kinda obsessive compolsvie about my hands and for some reason the cleanliness of my clothes. i don't like to smell bad i don't like to look bad and i certainly don't like feeling bad, especially for lauging at my FRIEND! thats what friends do they laught and play and skip and frolic. drink beer, laugh laugh laugh laugh. i hate being "abrasive". in my youth i took it as kindo of a complement because i was'nt willing to sacrifice my own opinions and personality . but now i wear it like a yellow badge of shame. i need to take the movies back. i need to clean my room i need to shoot 6 rolls of fucking film, these things are important. not my nails... not my smell (i think this one is up for debate) not my overwheming urge to kiss my best friend because i'm alive and i can. no none of these things matter. in essance i don't matter. not in an emo the world wold'nt notice me missing sort of way but who am i? does anyone even know that i exist? i don't even have friends anymore.... you know it feels like every time someone calls me its for favors... can you drive me, can you take me can i barrow. why? am i so horrible? am i so stupid no one likes me? i cling to beau for support because he is the only person i have left. and now even he's going away. sometimes i sit in my room and watch tv in place of crying beacuse they is nothing left to cry for. sure they're are people who say they want me around, but its all sympathy. i should sew up my mouth and live in the forrest. yeah i'll take my comic books and live in the fucking woods that will show them. i'll be abrasive all i want in the woods. all by myself.
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
So I'm at my moms house and I realize today just how much I miss my family... I'm such an emofuck... here I'll talk about something "cool", I really like the movie Tron. I heard they were going to remake it and I find it blasphamus. I mean you can't slam bitchen visuals into a movie that is soooo perfect already. Loook at the fucking matrix 3; its BLOOOOOWS! no really Blows. You know what else was a good movie, logans run. 70's goodness, sooo sexy and a great sort of social comentary on the importance of knowledge and wisdom. That and the wacka wacka soundtrack was uber hot! I feel like I pissed my friend off.... but I kinda feel like they were being kinda judgmental. You know its not easy being the rejected over and over again. When will i be good enough? bhmmmmm? anyone? yeah. oh shit sorry for the Emo tirade... ummm so TIm Burtons new project after charlie and the chocolate factory will be a stop animation feature about a guy engaged to a dead girl a la Nightmare before christmas. so cool. Today hy 80 was blocked going towards the bay and everyone had their car turned off and were wondering about the freeway. dosen't that seem excitingly dangerous? walking where few ever will but millions will drive over. they were all watching some sort of happening over the hill, but that held little intrest for me. But the thrill that these people were living ,so indulgent, a small victory for no one. I'm in love with ridiculous triumph.
