so... cats and kittens

last night i agreed to amuse my Boy friend and view the new film "documentary" sweeping the nation. You know which of what I speak and if you don't you are all the better for it! I do not currently feel like getting into it, but is was obnoxious, unentertaining and pathetic. I do however feel blessed to have my very own brain and my very own ideas with little or no use for propaganda or the like. I hate to say this but do we remember a little northern european country who felt a little blue about not being aces anymore with the united nations, who used propaganda films and an anti-nationalisim/pro-patriotism sentiment and utilized the weakened people to carry the social and moral burden for the ideal for a few liberal mad men? oh I'll give you a hint between 35-46' there were no plesent trips there! jesus christ get a clue! Let democaracy speak for itself and stay open minded. Don't let ither side tell you what to think.There is no need to "rock the vote"; EVERYONE can fucking vote! no one is oppressed here! no one is banned from the voters both in this country! No one is going to shoot you because of the color of your skin or whatever chromosome(s) you are packin when you get to that moment. its a matter of people getting off their ass' and doing it.

ok with that out of the way... i'm going home for a few days with my very own otter.... if you don't get it don't ask... I'm very excited to show him this place, and very very excited for him to meet my family! Hooray! I hope the heat dosen't kill him!

ready? ok!
yesterday was eric's birthday....I got him an ungodly amout of chocolate.
we saw the worst film ever made (dodgeball)
we ate kick ass chinese food
the head chef and owner came over and did all the ordering for us!
I tried to get eric to eat buried 100 year old egg
(which is good!)
but he would'nt
I got 5 new cd's:
The police
telivision
Charlie parker
eels
bardo pond
life is good, yes?
Ivy saw MAry KAte olsen! with a fishy! wierd no?
I am hungry now........


oh and yeah.....
hearts and stuff.

So....
today was awesome....crepes, sex and rock and roll!
what else do I need, right?
whats that you say?
how about a trip to the Art Deco show at the legion?
what do you know I got that shit in the bag!
Oh what about a super rad trip to Stintsion beach?
yep got that too suckers!!
But what was the best part of my super rad day you ask?
no not the Burrito
or even the parking space I snagged from the old bitchs...no no no.
well gentle viewer it was the...
love,
plain and simple.
Everything else was Jam and biscuits.

but now I have bills to pay and a monster fucking head ache....
so good night.

yeah...(I like lists!)
this weekend I have learned some very important things...

1. If you plan on having a yard sale, ADVERTISE.. and don't do it when its fucking freezing outside. oh and don't laugh when people who's second language is english are around, they don't like it and they wont buy stuff.

2. Don't talk down about yourself or over apologize in front of the boy you like, for he will run screamming into the night.

3. If the movie is a remake there will be good moments but it wont be stellar.

4. Do not get mad at older Chinese women who try to cut in front of you, or speak over you in lines at the movies. Yes it is rude but the wrath you will incure is very reminicent of your mothers and therefore is too much to deal with before watching a light hearted comedic remake.

5. If the chance to go to New York comes up because your sister and her best friend's morning sickness' interfear with their plans, go. Go now!

6. Save your fucking money!

7. Don't eat Burger king ever ever again!

8. Don't make contact with the Ex-anything (boyfriend, girlfriends, roomates, best friends!) when you really don't want to, even if the electricity is out and there is nothing to do but reread catcher in the rye and eat Burger King.

9. Don't look up ex's on-line when the electricity comes back on because it will only solidify that shitty feeling in your chest.

10. Don't question the motives of anyone you are dating with out good reason, EVER!
you are STUPID if you do, and should be horse whipped and made to walk in something unpleasent...like egg shells...or shag carpeting.

11. smile only seven weeks of summer school left... less if I can swing it....

yeah... I am really tired but thankful to have slept an additional 6 hours yesterday, even if my and Ivy's yeard sale was utter crap (blew like the matrix!) I had a good time friday, and plan on having a great time this evening...if my social anxiety will allow it. I tell people I'm not social because I fear having too big a social chain. The truth is that I'm scared of people. I'm afraid they will find out I'm not very smart, or that I like crappy things. I've noticed in college that there are certain crappy things that are hip to like... Mullets, metal, shit like that....fucking art school.

so i just had a massive anxiety attack sitting in my intensives final crit. I used to get anxiety attacks like this 4-5 times a week of different degrees, ranging from low sad type shit, to massive crying hysterical fits where I'd clench my fists until my palms bleed or my legs could'nt move. This one was somewhere in the middle. Could'nt breath...could'nt consintrate....crying....no vomiting....but all in all scary. Before I had attacks because I was intemidated, or could'nt think of the answers. Or at work because it seemed daunting or too difficult. Now I feel as though it could be the recent changes in my imediate life... I'm broke for the first time in years....this frustrates me....My new found relationship that I would'nt change for the world, but at the same time I fear fucking up...big. As far as Art is concerned I feel confident in my direction however i am afraid of not growing with my technique, or an inability to communicate my subject matter. I'm worried about my dad, who apparently got several cortizone shots into his spine yesterday? I'm worried about my western civ class and being the dumbest kid in the class.. (not as dumb as alex) but never the less dumb.. I'm worried about my roomate who just got his car towed to impound....I'm worried about my friends roomate hateing me because I don't like people to hate me, I try to stay ambivalent but its difficult... I want to hang out...but with who? I want to go home and see my mommy... I want to read the adventures of huck finn, I want gellato...I want to go to the opera's costume ball but found out about it's too late (oh well next year!) I want my room to be clean... I want good smelling laundry... I want everything to be fine...just short of alright. yeah and that too, always that.

fuck.

so I like the zoo.

I like the ant eater, the otter, the tapir, and the leamurs.

I really like when I'm taken to the zoo. This makes paying for bad, make me sicky, zoo food all worth it. best date ever....

I'm afraid of the rhino though...he seemed quite... excited.

today I realized I cannot escape being partly southern. My grandmother's sister and her husband from Oaklahoma, Jim and aunt Isis, came to visit. They are country, and for that I love them. My previous southern accent I developed living in texas so many years ago made a come back as I was surrounded by the drawls, and abbreviated words. Ya'll, goin, fixin, doin, all the termnalogy I had thought to be gone from my lexicon returned, great. "will one of Ya'll fix me a coke?", "Oh I was goin to the fishin pond, thinkin bout catchin me some cats!" (the fish not the felines) oh yes those good ol' boys and whatcha McCallits....good good. My Aunt isis said the funniest thing about rabbits. (everyones knows my obsession) She said that at one point she had two rabbits a male and a female, and when guests would come over she would put them in the same cage! she said and I quote, "You haen't seen fast sex until you've watched two rabbits go at it!, damn the are fast!" "Course after watching them have sex so often I could'nt rightly eat them so I gave them away...you know you just can't eat something you've watcheed have sex." Why am I able to admit all of this and not run for the cover of anonominity, you ask? Because I think it is the funnest thing I've ever heard...thats why!

I am fucking tired. last night we went out for beer food, and well beer and had a pretty good time. Lots of creepers at the bar though... I don't rightly like creepers. So we went home and watched the clerks cartoons...but we did'nt finish them...I may right now. but I'm kinda hungry... I may go fix myself some eats...hmmmm eats....

alright.... time to dispel you fuckers who read this self absorbed drivil.
I do it fact like myself...
not like I like beer or anything but I do, upon occasion, cross paths
with one or more redemable traits that indeed are my very own!
I feel like my lexicon is laced with negativeity, due partially to the idea I have upheald for several years, this idea being "if i cut myself down first I will have the upper hand." Yes, ridiculous you say? retarded even? hmmm not very P.C. of you but i will take it. So as I'm sure my mental health care provider will tell me when i sit down in her chair a few weeks from now I will construct a list of possitive attributes.

1. I'm smart... not like that paralyzed invented gravity sort of smart
but I'm witty enough to make it through conversation with adults and peers
alike, and still quote stupid literature from high shcool and other random sources.(but I can't spell for shit!)Smart enough to make opinions and repeat them with little or no fear of sounding lame.

2. I'm not Sigfred the fucking sea monster.(the ugly thing) I cannot say that I am "beautiful" or "hot", but simply I know i did'nt roll snake-eyes in the looks department.(I'm a pretty girl who likes to wear pink! there I said it!!) I should'nt subject ya'll to the I'm too ugly to live speech anymore.

3. I can cook. (a little bit of self depricating here because last night I managed to ruin my favorite dish, I'm more than a little pissed about it but whatever its cool) but I can really!

4. I can dance. It makes me happy. Ballet, tap, hip hop ,(you don't stop), bellydance, whatever I wish I learned Capoia, but no time no time.

5. I have taste, highly stylized, and opinionated, but i'm able to disern what I like and why, musicaly, cinematicly, and artisticly. (this is a misspelled way of me telling you all that my tastes rein supreme over your crappy prefrences
((notice "humble" is not on this list.))

6.I have alot of heart. (and no I don't mean I have the hearts of others in a jar in my bed room! though it is pleasing idea) I'm very sensitive to others when people are'nt looking, I cry...alot. And I will more than likely feed you before I feed myself. (enter violin music) Because I'm a giver god damn it. a true believer in the kindness of the human condition. I love you.

7. I can make you laugh...if not with the jokes and dry humor than with the tip of my glock pressed into your face, mother fucker.... if I had a glock.....

8. I want to make you happy. all of you... except Crullea DuVill in my painting class. She can ... well you know suck a dick.

9. I'm artistic... I never knew painting rabbits fucking would take me so far! I also learned how to make amazing prints, thank you Hank...and my tutor Icarus.

and drum roll please.....

10. Ambition...lots and lots of hot sweaty self servicing ambition.
***************************************************************************

thank you for listening and if you didn't bugger of you sodding fuck! I'm cool and there's nothing you can do about it.

I needed that. ((stupid looking smile))

I am smitten.
I also smell like oil paint
I'm starting to enjoy my art school expierence. (shhh don't tell anyone!)
I am smitten.
I'm also a little annoyed that my tuition rebate gets distributed to my father,
and then he gives it to me at his disgression.
this of course cuts into the possiblility
of new body art, shoes or extravagant sexy partys
probably for the better but at least i get money....
I want a beer, a 56 degree stout, maybe oatmeal, or chocolate....mmmmm
beer!
i am smitten.

So I'm tired...really tired. My painting intensive is sucking my will to breath. I do however appreciate what it is doing for me, as far as skill, and apllication are concerned. (I love every second of it!) I will be going back home sooner than not. This always fills me with an overwhelming sence of frustration, and an abundance of painful memories. I wish I still knew everyone, I kinda wish they were still the same People I used to hang out with, back in the day. I miss those people, but I don't the people they are for the most part today. Something happens to young people who settle early. Their bitterness is no longer optimistic, or even humerous. Its like these kids in their early 20's are thirty eight and take on the presure of the world when they really don't need to accept that sort of responsibility. They seem so miserable. I am no better than any of these kids, but I feel like I managed to escape a dissapointing fate. i almost feel like years 18-21 were a waste, mainly because i can't remember a whole hell of a lot, and I wasn't foused on anything. I am so in love with life right now, it all seems charmed or surreal. I'm fine with that though, its about fucking time! I'm young! I don't want to be tied down to one place geographicly. I don't want to feel a resounding guilt or regret for never doing what I wanted and hanging onto the nearest stable thing. I am slowly begining to like who i am, I like who I hang out with. i like to drink beer, but not for the purpose for getting so fucked up I can't move of talk. I think i may even like living....but the jury is still out on that one.


In better news: I met someones mother yesterday. It felt like alot of pressure, because I'm really into this peson, alot. (hot damn) It was good. dinner, conversation, walking. good good. I was very nervous so I fear I came off like an idiot, but I've been assured time and time again it was fine. yeah. I'm stupid happy right now, i hope it is recepracated. (if its not don't tell me, I love suprise endings!)

oh crap! in less fun news the Student services chick is quitting! she always gave me the good paying jobs on campus! :-(