T-3.4 hours till Xiu Xiu
and oddly I'm not extatic
I love me some xiu xiu
but I feel like I lost something today.
I'm a little sad.
a little tired.
a little lonely.
.............................
Sometimes being in love hurts a little more than being alone, because it makes being alone hurt just that much more.
call me what you will but there it is plain to see.
kiss kiss otter

Things that make me happy....
-ice cream
-lamb vindaloo
-Horses
-painting
-eric
-autumn
-my fish tank
-my family
-sushi
-pink grapefruit
-Ginger anything
-homemade lemonade
-not thinking about money
-reading
-comic books
-dance
-music
-a good set of negatives
-mangos
-dirt and water
-sharks
-orchids
-yellow
-showers
-pedicures
-massages
-shopping (not buying but shopping)
-the smell of bleach
-the ocean
-Pink
-Otters
-Rabbits
-the continuing support and love of my daddy
-netflix
-Ghram Green
-sticky rice
-coconuts
-strawberries
-drawing stupid crap
-my friends back home (ahoy Me matey!)
- love
- sex in the city
-collecting rocks at the beach
-catching lizards
-cream colored ponies and warm apple strudle
-sleigh bells, church bells(?) and snihzil (sp?) with noodles?
- sick twisted gross stuff... like that kid in the exorcist being eaten alive ... that was cool it was fucking 10 mins long!
-and Egon Shiele... man does his sick child molesting ass make me happy.

Have you ever been burdened with the agonizing thought that maybe you really fucked someone over?

There are times when you are younger and I think, hind sight being 20/20, that being young and stupid are fine excuses for doing someone proper. However I come to a crossroads in my time that I think I may just have really hurt someone carelessly... Its not like I'm losing sleep over it... but fuck when do you get to stop chastizing yourself for ills past done? Karma being the sneaky bastard that it is may still have a trick in its hat just for me yet. The funny thing is I have to one to say "sorry" to at this moment. Ok thats a lie.
whatever this conversation is pissing me off.


hmmmm.....
school starts in a couple weeks... I'm going to vegas....I'm the happiest otter ever....
kiss kiss

Isn't it really gross that your skin becomes super smooth and slick when you sun burns it, due to the fact you've killed all viable skin cells of the first dermis? I think so....

Alright that had something to do with my thoughts today....
Did you know in edition to the East bay and the "bay" proper there's another
"bay area"... south bay... yes all the comforts and crap of the bay and sun... lots of excruciating damning burning fucking sun! I'm working at my sister horse barn trying to earn money for vegas (god I want to marry a stripper!) horses are heavy... water seems heavy, grain is heavy, hay is itchy and heavy and I feel like I'm facing the gravity of the sun... (My weight on the sun is 439,087 lbs in case you were wondering the gravity weight exchange, and how I feel about the FUCKING SUN and its stupid large heavanly dumb ass!)

I thing I burned my eyelids......
fuck vindaloo, curry, photo developer ,the sun, genetics, my fucking eyes don't stand a chance!
i'M BLIND i'M FUCKING BLIND OH SWEET JESUS WHY?!?!?!?

Oh wait up.... I'm not blind.. thank whoever.
I want a soda... and my otter.....

so I'm just plain not cool enough...
I tried to adopt a cat for my neice Kaitlen... NO!
I tried to sleep... No!
I wanted to get my nails done.. No!
And everyone thinks Kaitlen is my daughter...
I would have been 13 fuckers!
at 13 I was damn I don't know drinken and shootin herion but not fucking!
god damn
Lex say's I'd be a shitty mom....
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that I've never really thought about having children, I mean I have, but really now come on... or that I think he may be right... Fuck I can barely take care of myself!
fuck

So today I learned a lesson from an unexpected place...
my kitchen, where my roommate's child's pet garden snake lives.
I listen to him eat... His name is robin.... Yeah I know weird.
any way I gave him a fish because he kept lookin at me and I felt bad.... as some will tell you I am afraid of small ribbon snakes (residual nightmares from my childhood wearing a crap ton of ribbons) but it was shot of amazing. The sounds were so delicate, yet if this had been to human scale they were probably deafening. His first attempted wrangling the gold fish were unsuccessful due to a larger than normal dorsal fin, which he could not swallow he actually had to regurgitate the thing and with no hands at all reverse its directions so that he could enjoy his meal.
you may ask, just what the hell was it that you learned?
I saw the beauty of this earthbound thing. The pink tinges around the throat, the expanding of the skin as he inhaled. And how for just a moment he seemed... Senescent.
like he could be frustrated, that this load was too difficult to to deal with, but he did.
If a fucking snake isn't going to give up then why the fuck should I?
alright I know the snake dose'nt have a credit report, or a tuition balance but damn it I'm going it to swallow it... no thats not right.... fuck it... no moral today for any of you fuckers.
lts ummm better If I just say I like the snake .... not enough to play with him but we're cool now.