Blog along Little donkey.........

2008-01-27T10:03:00.000-08:00

Ready to be me.

I'm ready to be me, I'm ready to stop living for everyone else.
I want to be happy, and I want to stop taking the bullshit. I am ready.

bravo for me.

2007-12-15T07:28:00.000-08:00

There is no way to inventory my current feelings. Worse yet I couldn't tell you where they came from. I can say that a children's book may have changed my life and my ability to leave things, emotions, moments, feelings of inadequacy, self doubt and internal torment right where they ended. To not carry them across the travels of my existence. I do not care if you do not understand my reasons, i do not care if you do not appreciate my methods, I am this much more near to what may be happiness. I think I am happier for it,and at the same time a little lost.

2007-10-10T09:45:00.000-07:00

Hello my name is Courtenay and its been over one year since I've blogged.

Life is different now and yet the same as it ever was.

before I struggled with one job that tested my moral sense of well being and constant state of panic for 3 or 4 jobs that are more fun but less stable.
Before, I was coming to terms being left alone by someone i had shared 2 very good years of my life with, and now I share my life with someone who is truly supportive and loving although interesting.
before I had a shadow of a life, mostly work and home, now I feel so rich with hobbies and function as well as surprise.
Before I had loose plans to go back to school and now they are more solid.

there are still moments of doubt, like the speeding ticket I refuse to deal with because I don't have the money and I am convinced that our legal system is just fucked up enough to let Paris Hilton have a weeks worth of jail time for her 3rd DUI, and then would incarcerate me for neglecting a speeding ticket 6 months.
Another doubt is in the fat, literally encasing my organs as we speak. I want to lose the weight but i like the art of eating well far more.
Yet another is in the 2 year rub I am steadily approaching with my love. In 6 months or so I will be at the threshold of a new experience, a long steady relationship. I want very badly to make it work and not push away like i always do. But maybe thats what i am a drifter, emotionally speaking, not wanting to get to close in fear that i may be rejected.

Hopefully my blog space will be one more of entertainment and less wah wha wah from here on out.

awesome.

2006-07-12T10:03:00.000-07:00

I’m finished with the books I was reading. Now I am sad for I am out of new things to read. Redundant, no? So I ask myself what do I read next I’m on a roll and do not wish to discontinue the reading goodness. So, if there were any suggestions they would be really appreciated. I generally read two at a time, one in the car and one at home. So I need two books that are super different so they don’t get confused. I really like Gregory Maguire, and Amy Tan, Hubert Selby Jr., and Chuck Palahniuk as far as modern authors go, and really really love Steinbeck, Shakespeare, Jane Austen, the classics blah blah blah. I hate Barbara Kingslover I hate her. There…. No suggest away friends! Now!

2006-07-10T17:51:00.000-07:00

I can be teachin sooner than later!
hooray!
I'm so excited I passed my CBEST!

wish me luck on the next step....

does anyone know what the next step is?

drop me a line let me know...
...please

2006-07-07T09:30:00.000-07:00

My tummy hurts today.
I was awakened by a 3:45am craving for a PB&J; luckily I have a jar of Grape goober sitting in my cupboard, but alas no bread! I was so inclined, in my zombie like state, to utilize the hamburger buns I had set atop the fridge after making my faux buffalo chicken sandwich the evening pervious. Was this a good idea? Was any of it? The PB&J, the Fake bird? Why of course it wasn’t a good idea, says my inside gastro mind. It was a stupid stupid fucking idea. The Coca-Cola? The canned peaches? I woke up with instead of my regular happy digestive weasels, angry weasels tied into knots, screaming bloody fucking hell, asking for mercy and death. Poor weasels…. I thought perhaps after a short while they would shut up, but now here I am at work at the beck and call of these ferocious internal beasties. If I ever I believed there was no god, it would be now, in this time of great digestive trauma.

In other thoughts, apparently I am not human anymore as my friend (?) and co-worker, constantly treats me like shit. Talks down to me, asks me not to talk, says rude things to me in meetings, and I will not get into how I feel about things on any personal level. For that is long and drawn out and depressing, and I wish not to bother you all with such nonsense. What can I say however for old friends becoming new again? I feel blessed (by who or what I do not know) for reconnecting with Becky (Rebecca) as I have missed her witty banter and youthful optimism. Now I must go and continue the drudgery that is my day-to-day life. Call if you want this weekend looks to be uneventful, but full of Love.

2006-07-06T11:34:00.000-07:00

short sweet snipits of my life as it is right now:
Health: Good as it can be vegan food is good, I miss real cheesethough. I've began seeing a head doctor, she seems nice but I'm neverupset when I'm on the couch, I'm upset at night or in the middle of theday, So i guess I feel like all normal and calm in front of her, Iwonder if my depression has stage fright. After being in the ER lastweek i know that I do not like RN's with little patience for difficultveins. Work with me here girls! then getting blood drawn the dayafter... fabulously painful. Then the ultrasound, where she informed methat there were too many "air weasels"*my own term!* to see anything, socats and kittens I may be under the knives for my gallbladder orsomething hell ,take them all out, that's like 20 pounds right? takeall the organs you want.

Life: Meh, I'm sedated most of the time. I'm a little home sick, andreally tired of watching tv. I've been reading non-stop for weeks.Currently Confessions of an ugly step sister, and The pleasures allmine. the first is better, but the second is not that bad. I want tolisten to more depechmode, and some others. Andy and Panda are good dogswith bad habits who I love oh so much, but they do not like fire works. I'm tired of being in bed all the time. I got a bike! I'm so excited tosee all the ways I get damaged from it! It's being "tuned up" at a bikeshop by my house in pacifica. I am really really happy about this. Pacifica is so small, driving it seems over kill, like driving to thestore just for a loaf of bread. so lame. If i still ate taco bell Icould ride there! We saw the devil wears prada and Superman returns. but I'm Not going to get into it.

Work: Ironic, work is a four letter word. I don't hate the job itselfits pretty cool. I hate the surrounding circumstance. The bitchyattitudes, the passive aggressive remarks, the slow eating of the soul. I hate money. More importantly I hate talking about money. I hateasking people for money. My blonde boss makes me sad. It's the way shelooks at me with such disappointment. I feel like the "big" boss isindifferent to it all. Then there's my own self-loathing anddisappointment in my work. I'm tired of clients that treat me like crapbut I wear a smile and deal. I'm trying my slow accession from the 7thring to at least ring 2 or purgatory.

Love: yes, there is some of this. no fuck that tons of it lots of it huge piles of love. alright maybe not that much, but I do love him very much, and he thinks the world of me, and my messy hectic scary, working, tiring ways.

The 4th of fucking July: I went to a party at emma's house and it was fantastic! met new people saw old friends, good times. I made pies andcake! Two Smore pies, and 2 Vegan peanut butter and chocolate pies, anda lemon ginger cake. The smore pie was a happy experiment that wentover well. Ghram cracker crusts, with milk chocolate ganache the richchocolate fudge mousse topped with marshmallow fluff the torched toexcellence. Awesome.That is all for now.

2006-06-20T08:28:00.000-07:00

So the CBEST went really well… I think.
No it did I know it!
I just wish:
A. There had been more time
B. There was a 15min break
C. The woman administering the test had spoken better English.

8:25 am Tuesday

How much longer can this go on?
How much longer can I keep going on like it doesn’t hurt?
I'm tired of the medication that doesn’t seem to work,
I'm tired of being scared to come to work.
How long can I keep pretending that I'm okay, that it doesn’t bother me?
At this point it hurts just to acknowledge my skin…. My existence.

2006-06-09T17:23:00.000-07:00

ITs official!

My CBEST test date is 6/17/06!So excited. I hate tests but its one step closer to me getting out of sales and into an equally thankless job that has summers off! At least this way I can go to grad school sometime maybe even while I’m working. It’s the first in a series of many many steps its going to take to get me where I need to be, so that maybe I can be teaching this time next year. From those of you with you credentials and such give me a holler and let me know what to expect! Thank you friends!

2006-06-06T17:27:00.000-07:00

I am hungry.....

I'm done working for the day, but oddly my workday is not over.
What do you think about that. I've been reading up on the the CBEST and am
Scared a little bit. However my friend Seneca at work has told me ,"its so easy, that if you don't pass it the first time you take it, you should die, painfully." All right not that drastic but she did say it was easy. Big secret: I can't do math. Yeah I can add and subtract, and even divide and multiply. but NOMINALS? what the fuck is that nonsense? Maybe that wont be on there? Right ... right? I need to take it before i can even apply for sfsu. I'm a little tired today. Haven't been sleeping well. Nightmares. Ever wish you could drill the memories out of your head? yeah that’s extreme I know, but I’m desperate.

I’m hungry:
What will it be tonight?
Amy’s burrito?
Quorn “meatless” “chicken” thing?
Garden burger “Mcrib” yeah I think that one.

2006-05-31T17:43:00.000-07:00

so yeah......
I've got sooo much energy!
horay for my new thyroid meds! thank you piggies!

ANYWAY

THE BAD STUFF:

I was struck with a bumper from a 76' beetle (pure german steel) and now have to repair my car. (SUCK)

I locked my keys in my car today.

I'm arguing w/my secret scary friend, and its no fun. I love him anyway.

My skin is horrible.

I miss cheese!

THE GOOD:

I'm painfully in love!

I'm going to Texas in August w/ My secret scary friend .

Soy food is getting better, I like tofutti cuties, particularly the strawberry swirl kind, I like amy's mac and "cheeze", and the vegan burritos. And My top resturants are Golden era and Love n'haight.

.........Time away from computer..............

And we're back?:

Here's all I have to say as I leave for home:

You cannot forget the past because you erase an archive, or burn a box of pictures, or push people away or bury them in a shallow unmarked grave 5.98 mile outside of zion,Utah.. I used to make all this really bitter art(not really art, just more crap) cutting ex-friends and lovers from photos and burning love letters angry goth inspired poetry. Then I realized that that is lame. Really kinda lame. I've really learned to embrace the expierences. you have to love the moments that makes you human. Feeling this way I also feel better about myself. I don't harbor resentment towards anyone. Jo got the pox, so I'm not particularly angry anymore.

That, that I gave, I gave to you freely,and that ,that you took, I gave without regret.

Dare i say this may be my last blog post? perhaps.... but not yet. Lets get real I'm an emo-fuck I'll post because I can, because I know no one reads this shit, because it makes me feel good.

Oh yeah and I feel good... I feel real good oh alright!
go junior go senior!
go go go yeah!

2006-05-18T08:31:00.000-07:00

The Doctor has put me on a vegan diet.
I love cheese. Oh well.

I knew my cholesterol was not good, but apparently it was really bad.
Bad enough to have to omit all of my favorite foods, mainly all products involving animals, animal products, seafood, or anything remotely tasty…
All right that last part is a lie.

Last night was my first “soy” night.
Soy cheese cold = Not so good.
Soy Cheese melted and covered in beans and avocado!
Soy sour cream tastes good! Better than real sour cream I dare say.

I have a weekend of soy meat tasting and experimenting ahead of me.
Can they do a soy Ruben? Probably not, But I can fucking try!

In other health news I have a hypothyroid………fantastic.
I have too many Thyroid antibodies and it keeps growing. Technically I have Hashimoto's disease. Sounds like an Iron chef I know.
Luckily Synthetic thyroid exists, and is my new best friend for life.
Wish me luck!

2006-05-13T10:21:00.000-07:00

Summer 06' Goals

-Finish Tattoo and be comfortable enough not to care what my mom or dad think

-Go to Texas

-Study for my teachers entrance exam

-Begin Masters project

-Ride the whole cross country without killing myselfv or Sharky.

-Bake more Pies and cakes!

-Lower my cholesterol (I'm a fatty)

-Run more

-Learn to surf (thank you amy and tait!)

-Swim more

- If i get into sfsu, get a new job

-get into SFSU

-Love myself, yes in all ways imaginable

-Let Him love me

-Eat less Beef, oh but how I love it!

-yoga

-sleep better

-Work less but harder

-PAint more.

-Ride more

-Love more

-Eat less butter.

-Shoot 100yrds with 85% efficiency

More to come.

2006-04-04T08:48:00.000-07:00

The Cutting blog has been postponed in favor of my ranting:

I'm over her passive aggressive ditzy antics.

I'm sick and tired of all of it.

I like rain but everyone drives badly in it.

My tummy hurts in the middle of the night.

I've been black listed on what feels like everything...

I wanna go back to bed.

FUCK.......

2006-03-10T09:24:00.000-08:00

I still have no idea who sent me flowers.

I'm not as bitter as I try to appear however.

I know why and there is no mystery.

I'm taking time off.... I know.. Wow.

what am I doing?
how am I doing?
how do I feel?
how am I passing the time?

Well I work... A lot.
I eat food and sleep when I want.
I feel alone most of the time even though I am surrounded.
But oddly I'm not alone, but I am conflicted about it.
how far can a person overlook issues?
whatever.

I don't want the love. Seriously I cannot take the daily rejection the constant knowledge that it will always end.
I don't care how great you are together it will always end.
wow how fabulously redundant of me.

how am I passing the time?
dating. Movies. Work. Puppies. Cleaning. Horses.
music. Drawing. Posing for nudie girl websites?
yeah all that.
tattoos
cutting

reconnecting w/ old friends.
comic books
and one really good friend... A secret scary friend.

fucking disappointment as I am maybe it will all be alright.

and maybe I'll fly into the sun and fall into the sea.
Or is that a fate only left to the truly emotionally free?

2006-03-07T09:32:00.000-08:00

I hate your rash sense of entitlement.

I also hate YOUR coldness.

your cowardice

your lack

me

2006-02-21T14:29:00.000-08:00

love is not a victory march

2006-02-16T18:45:00.000-08:00

To the person who sent me flowers:
thank you but please tell me who the fuck you are as I am really creeped out.

ps. they are beautiful.

also:

I have a wierd bruise on my right hand.... you have nothing to do with it but I don't know how it happened.

so yeah thats what I want to know:

Who gave me the tulips and roses.... and where I got this wacky bruise.

thank is all

good night

2006-02-16T10:41:00.000-08:00

Tell me this:

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Onibunny

Squid row bro!

sorta.

2006-01-16T08:46:00.000-08:00

I never knew it would hurt this badly.

2005-11-29T17:31:00.000-08:00

MY mom didn't pack me enough stuffing.
I heart stuffing.

also
I want to make figs in basalmic reduction
with honeyed whipped cream, and lavender shortbread.

hmmmmm....

work has become a battle of will...

WILL i work?

whatever... Otter is home HORAY!

My friend chris is in disney land... pigfucker.
fuck him.

another razza frazza week off..... fucker.

soooo hungry.

whats for dinner

what I ask WHAT?!?!?

I miss painting...
I constantly doodle at my desk (dead skelebunnies mostly, and ribbon bows oddly)
I need an outlet.
and NOW.

hmmmmm I like cheese.

that reminds me the wallace and gromit movie was really good.

and ummmm yeah that is alll.....

talk to me people.

tell me anything....

2005-11-22T09:55:00.000-08:00

we live on a mountain
right at the top
there's a beautiful view
from the top of the mountain
every morning I walk towards the edge
and throw little things offlike:
car-parts, bottles and cutlery
or whatever I find lying aroundit's become a habit
a wayto start the dayI go through all this
before you wake upso I can feel happier
to be safe up here with youit's real early morning
no-one is awake
I'm back at my cliff, still throwing things off
I listen to the sounds they makeon their way downI follow with my eyes 'til they crash
imagine what my body would sound like
slamming against those rocksand when it lands
will my eyes be closed or open?
I go through all this
before you wake up
so I can feel happier
to be safe up here with you

-bjork........

2005-11-14T10:23:00.000-08:00

hey well what do ya know... maybe this can work out.......

You scored as Satanism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Satanism! Before you scream, do a bit of research on it. To be a Satanist, you don't actually have to believe in Satan. Satanism generally focuses upon the spiritual advancement of the self, rather than upon submission to a deity or a set of moral codes. Do some research if you immediately think of the satanic cult stereotype. Your beliefs may also resemble those of earth-based religions such as paganism.

Satanism

83%

atheism

67%

Buddhism

54%

Paganism

50%

agnosticism

42%

Judaism

33%

Islam

25%

Christianity

17%

Hinduism

17%

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com

fucking a I love being paid to do nothing..........

2005-11-04T07:46:00.000-08:00

Itchy me.

I itch... it sucks... going to doctor.... please no steroids.

I'm very tired... my sister snores like a walrus...
I'm so OVER house sitting.
fuck that house fuck that drive and fuck that dog.]
he's big yellow and DUMB AS A ROCK
I love all things great and small but fucking a he's like 110 lbs of ball breaking
Heavy breathing short bus riding golden fuck.

I want to eat my Fage. (greek yogurt)

I hate this kid I work with... who will remain nameless, so we'll call him Kiss Ass McFucko.
McFucko for short.

This guy Is attached Tongue to ass with our new boss (the dreamy Josh) hee hee he's a Jew.
literally I think (McFucko) is addicted to butt hole. (mhmm mhmm good?)

(Eric, thank you for you know what)

so yeah.

Crystal's getting married in less than a year..... SOOOO AWESOME!

Heather has something in the works..... but what? hmmmm heather?

Work is getting better.... I think I may on top because everyone quit around me.
thats ok... I'll get over it.

Eric is filming a homodrama.... (perfect)
they need a new actor.....
eric is kinda Asian.... and super gay.

I think we may have the answer... J/k...kinda.
(fuck I love you)

Lane has eric craving this thing called a singing bowl...
I will of course insure he gets said musical device however I fear it will join the growing pile of "world music implements eric tires of" go ahead ask about the didgeridoo...

Its cool I’ve always wanted a thumb piano.
And others….And batteries.

2005-10-24T10:13:00.000-07:00

My mouth hurts something fierce!

oh well dentist(bah) at noon.

::::::::BIG NEWS BREAK::::::

My company New Times, LLC has just merged with the Village Voice.

Now At first I had an eric moment... (crap oh crap I'm going to lose my job!)

but know its cool.... no layoffs.

I may get transfered to New York... but hey who's complainin?

(its a rumor! shhhh a long shot)

I'm hungry. SOOOOO hungry...

stupid mouth.

I'm lonely.

sad...

depressed....

fucking a ....

hmmmm any nice words out there?

2005-10-03T11:22:00.000-07:00

Blog damnit

Lane has requested that I blog.
I believe she made this request on the folding of eric to actually blog his blog.

Hmmmmm…. Well I work a lot.
I got a new car….

Car number two: Electric bugaloo!
I bought my very own Ford escape hybrid.
I’ve managed to buy an electric tank! Horay!
The gas mileage is great.
The interior is sexy gray leather and I love its sound system.

I feel like crap today.

I’ve seen a lot of stop animation lately.

I’m hungry…. Back to sales…
Located directly in the third circle next to the liars and heretics. Fucking Dante… stupid inferno.

2005-08-10T21:55:00.000-07:00

After ten years of faithful service, five in my hands, my truck has reached its retirement.
let us now have a moment of silene for La Trucka in her final hours.
I happen to be very attached to this truck.
She was my Dadbaby's (grandather's nickname) and then mine

moving twice. Tower records, Java city, costco, World of beauty, Red shield, demo's by design, and pete's cafe. Three moving violations and countless parking tickets.

Trips to San Francisco from Sac, trips to LA with eric. Unusual trysts with roomates boyfriends, road trips to jackson with ryan and mike. Horrible gas mileage, no air conditioning, two stereos stolen one major accident, cats, dogs and 20 some-odd roomates, akward sexual encounters, stealing lumber from construction sites, turning left all night long with ryan rake, argueing all night long with michael sparks, eric ... and me ... hee hee hee ... yeah.
She has seen my entire adult life and kept me safe.

Fucking A it's only an object... right?

yeah.... next post.... car number two: Electric Bugaloo!

2005-07-18T20:54:00.000-07:00

*************++++disclaimer++++****************
If you have a weak stomach

DO NOT READ THIS!!!

I cannot stress this enough.

the story is true and I am stupid...

and I'm usually not this crass...

again please don't read this.

ok... Ready? Lets go!

One may say to me: "Court, yeah your roommate seems like a total fuckhole, but really, move out because of it?"

"C'mon Court, you're being a pussy"

today, while packing my crap, at maison A' LA slack ass, IA the home I have been in for two years.

I often question if I'm doing the right thing... With the moving out and all.... Today I know I have.

I had relieve myself... Badly.

I took a break...

. I walked into the bathroom...

I lifted the toilet seat,

and there it was my friends, an actual and metaphorical evidence of why I MUST move from this place.

No not a turd.... I've see that.... oh not poopy... no no that would have been too kind!

for staring back at me from that black porcelain bowl were millions of my roommates possible offspring.

that's right kids, jism, cum,... Man Chowder.

Holy Fuck , i need to move....soon.

here comes the part about me being stupid..

I flushed the offensive baby jelly, and preceded to do as we tell andy "do my business"

one last sentence for Ya'll

the seat... was,

sticky.

Goodnight sir, I said good night!

2005-07-16T22:58:00.000-07:00

so here I am, stroking my newly darkened hair, watching my very gay looking hairless dog in his gay lavender pj's playing with his very cute unicorn doll, while Army of darkness plays searching the blogs and live journals f new posts and being aggravated that there are no new posts. I then realized I hadn't posted in days! yeah like 8 or 9 whole days! I've come to the conclusion some people read one another's site to see f they said anything about them, in that spirit I've decided to talk about EVERYONE i know... or sorta know... or i think may read this convoluted dribble.

eric- eric has a new job and I am soooo proud of him. He still points out my spelling mistakes and is very very pretty.
we are soon to move into our small very close to the beach apartment, hooray! I still love him, like the first half of our relationship, and i piss him off a lot!

Crystal- I m so so so happy for you and john. I think its magical and wondrous, and slpendiforous. ect ect.
I'm sure going back to N.C. was not nearly as fun as leaving, but the sooner you get there the sooner you can come visit us again.

Heather- good job getting rid of your roommate.. I still would have killed him.

Robbie- Dude, I so understand.... Really.

Chris- You are a bleeding heart slut. And you're old..... Wait, that's not nice.... Old is vague.... Decrepit. thats better. Thanks for dinners drinks lunch and your time. oh, and your wife's totally hot, and so persuasive. (and you hit like a chick)

Nicole- please call me I have misplaced your number. We must hang NOW!

doug- who the fuck am i kidding you're totally shaping your facial hair, not reading the crap.

greg- you don't read this thereby proving you are a jewy jew.

lane- namaste, BRING BOTTLE WATER AND PURIFYING TABS. you are going to love it. (so jealous)

Caroll- Is so very cool with all the going to school, and what have you. very sweet... she's a keeper

Andy- Stop peeing on the floor, daddy is going to kill you. you are sooooo cute! kisses

ummmm yeah No one else reads this I think.....

sooooo.... i like my new pumas and ummm yeah I got nothing.

2005-07-05T08:10:00.000-07:00

A note to my otter

I am so wonderfully loved.

Eric- thank you, for the andy sitting
the sleep overs, visits to sac.
thank you for kisses and reassurances.
apartment hunting, understanding and
patience.
thank you for the tenderness and love.
I can never begin to be able to repay you.
all i can do is this.
thank you
Court

2005-06-27T12:55:00.000-07:00

Hey!
i GOT A PUPPY!
yeah!
He's a chinese crested...sorry eric....
he's black and white, hairless
and named Andy, like Worhal.
he's got a white crest of hair on the top of his head.
and a little at the end of his tail!
see pictures on myspace!

later kids work suckS!

2005-06-24T18:07:00.000-07:00

So hey kids... you may remember me as Court, rabbit painter extrodiaire,
and otherwise pain in the ass. well some things have changed....
I'm Now Courtenay Alexis Bell,
Account Executive for New Times magazine, Division San Francisco.
Or as we all have come to know and love it the SF Weekly.
Yes Kids I am a defector.
I went to art school, and proclaimed my inner free spirit, and learned that being free is pretty fucking expensive.
Which brings me to my next point... money, sucks.... but its pretty cool too.
Yeah a real shallow statement, however, Fuck you.
I'm cool with it.
Eric and I are planning to move in togeather... i think.
I'm going to buy a dog as soon as we do.
I really want a chinese crested..
you know the ones that are naked with hair on top and on the tails...
awesome,
or a Wheaten Terrier, equally awesome.
Eric is pushing for the latter because he can't stand
the idea of living with an animal that feels like a penis.
its cool They are super expensive anyway... damn damn damn.

I have no idea how I'm supposed to find the time to finish up my
portfolio so I can apply to grad school. I work alot...
stupid real job.
stupid money.
ok thats enough.

2005-04-27T01:27:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep...
I haven't had a full nights sleep ion three days... I'm not on drugs.... I'm very stressed.....
I'm losing it.... otter is asleep... Everyone in the whole ide fucking world is asleep but me... WHY GOD? why god damn it..... I try but nooooooo
ahhhhh crap[

2005-04-15T12:54:00.000-07:00

My car is sick
I'm graduating in weeks
I can't work because of above said car
I have to fix up my porfolio
I'm sore from cool whip wrestling...
and personal trainers are expensive...

enough complaining..
I'm a knitting fool
I love it, I want to knit a poncho...
maybe a pink one?
I have two otter scarves going... I should finish one first.

I miss badger, but i cannot afford to keep him here.
(sad)

ok

yeah
love is grand

2005-03-07T01:34:00.000-08:00

shake me loose the mortal coil...

2005-02-24T20:27:00.000-08:00

alone

tired

defeated

god I always thought my last semester would be great.

now I know I'm still a loser.

a loser with a BFA in painting...
oh god.

anyway... I'm making a Bobili pizza.... tres' awesome.

I'm painting cutsie crap....

I'm so tired.

fuck....

thats all I got, fuck.

2005-01-20T01:43:00.000-08:00

ummmm... I'm 23.
its ok.
if you're into imminent doom.

love is good

so is graduating

and pie

2004-11-29T18:52:00.000-08:00

So you wanna piss me off?

alright. When I registered to vote
I asked the liberal hippy chick if I had to claim ties to a particular political party.
she sneered "it would be nice"
of course I should have said "eat a bowl of dick, you fascist liberal slut"
you see... I think the whole party system is crap. Its like being part of a clique in
high school. retarded.
I digress...
the department of elections has issued a request for my "party affiliation"
am I incorrect in thinking this a bit odd?
why is my affiliation so important?
Does anyone remember what happened to Lucielle Ball?
anyone?
her "affiliation" almost got her imprisioned for being "wrong"..
thats right cats and kittens, "I love lucy", sweet grape squishing, chocolate shoveing lucy was a communist and she almost lost everything because of it.
yeah as if I am going to choose a political party, and then be strung up for it... fuck you.
you're not going to black-list this Bunny!

2004-11-27T22:46:00.000-08:00

I am so fucking in love......
even if it means eating more Thai food, I would happily choke on satay
if it would make this feeling never go away!

Anyway.... real life news!
My sister, equine trainer specialist, has aquired for me.. a horse!
my very own pony!
he is dark bay... 4 years old
16 hands (in case you don't know... very fucking tall
and his name is badger.
And before you ask... yes I love him... but it was an otter i am refering
to above.

2004-11-11T09:37:00.000-08:00

Who fucking knew?

I AM 78% PUNK ROCK!

I am PUNK AS FUCK! The model punk. I care not for anything. I kick ass, but probably smell really bad.

Take the PUNK ROCK test at Fuali.com

I don't smell that bad.

2004-11-07T03:59:00.000-08:00

is it alright to be jealous?

what is the answer?
is it alright to feel guilty for
looking at the opposite sex with
a little tinge of guilt?

an even more pressing question....
is it alright for a girl who is not your
girlfriend openly and quite publicly I
might add to profess a "crush", or attraction, to you?

I'm not the jealous type... I've usually given
men the benefit of the doubt.
but now I have to wonder...
how many times does the bait have
to be set for
a man to bite?

and is it really his fault?
I mean its there...
a desire....
an attraction....
its difficult to ignore.
What is a six month relationship to a
multiple year friendship with a
beautiful girl who finally shows you interest?
what is love now at this very moment to the unknown possibility of bliss everlasting?
or for that matter a tirade of painful misery, regret, and hope lost?

Is it alright to leave when something better may be out there?
Is it alright to be alone on a saturday night watching your fish waiting for a promised call that never comes?

2004-10-31T20:36:00.000-08:00

this is what it sounds like......

how can I have any doubt?
but how can I have any faith?
you can't just pack up your Cynical attitude when it
suits someone else.... that isn't being true to yourself...
but what the fuck am I saying?
Have i ever been true to myself?
can I ever be really happy?
I wish people knew that I didn't begin to
hate myself out of spite for... myself.
I know what love is.
maybe I'm just like my mother...
she's never satisfied....
(I had too I've heard it 5 times in the last two weeks!
Coincidence? I think not!!!!)
but really now.
Maybe I've been so busy fucking losers for the last four years
I wouldn't know the "one" until he "bit" me on my ass.
so come on
make with the pain because obviously I'm blind.
I'm sorry.

2004-10-17T18:12:00.000-07:00

I have the best friend everyone dreams about having.
He has taken care of me while I have been too sick to do very much.
I love him and I don't care who knows.
thank you Otter.

2004-10-06T11:21:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought it was safe to return to campus......

So I've fucking decided that I'm immune to hurt feelings
that anything possibly nothing could hold me down or hurt me. fuck was I wrong
let me prefece this by stateing that I hate money.
bettter yet lets skip today irrelervent hurtful rant by just simply stateing :
Horses don't give back gifts.
Horses don't confront you and corner you in the cafe.
Horses don't flex emotional muscle and make you feel like shit.
Horses don't passive aggressivly move away from you in their apartments. (consciensely or not)
Horses don't get mad when you call them butt hurt.l
Horses don't give or recieve parking tickets.
Horses don't have bank accounts.
horses don't vote.
horses don't talk.....
(I'm in no way oneof those chicks who "loves ponies" or that sort of crap I am mearly illustrating a point with an object from my current life. It could have easily been rabbits or pigs or camels... whatever.)
the point.
simply put ... Fuck Off.
I out grew this shit in high school.

2004-10-01T22:17:00.000-07:00

sorry to the three of you who read my pathetic rantings but I've been too fucking busy to write. But in better light: I don't care anymore.... no seriously it took me 22 years nine months and sixteen days to finally learn to not give a shit! Someone I became very attached to blew me off... at first it hurt... badly but then once I stopped dwelling on it and concentrating on my work I didn't care anymore! she tried to say something about "talking" but you know it sounded real weak and forced so I said whatever.... and ment it. Its cool if we do... Its cool if we don't. Fucking A I'm an adult! woo hoo! Oh and then in Eric's fucking print makeing class I was trying to talk to some chick about our Language and logic class and how its about applying idea or thesis to problems and not actual math although math is the language that the ideas are based in, and she got all bitchy and went outside with unnameable transfer kid I don't enjoy, and began to talk verbal excrement about yours truly... A week ago I may have been upset or cried...or even been mad... No gentle reader I laughed. Cuz I don't give a crap! I finally get it. For years I've tried to prove to people I am logical but thaose damn feelings always got in the way! well guess what fuckers I officially don't give a shit. I rock you suck... (otters, nicole, doug(eh), and several others excluded) but really now thats all therew is.... damn.

2004-09-17T21:35:00.000-07:00

I adopted a cute lil' easter bunny fetusfrom Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!

2004-09-06T09:11:00.000-07:00

I'm employed!
hooray! I ride horses for red shield equestrian! Competitive enduarance horses no less!
I am very happy..... but very burnt out from my painful trip to Great America. I went with brats, I burned myself with sun, I broke my fishy necklace, I broke a flip flop, I was stepped on, run into and broken.... it BLEW! but my otter was there so it was better than being lit on fire....or made to watch Ghetto comedies staring any of the kings of comedy.

on a lamer note, I have figured out something... but I'm not quite sure what.
(more on this later)

2004-08-29T17:39:00.000-07:00

T-3.4 hours till Xiu Xiu
and oddly I'm not extatic
I love me some xiu xiu
but I feel like I lost something today.
I'm a little sad.
a little tired.
a little lonely.
.............................
Sometimes being in love hurts a little more than being alone, because it makes being alone hurt just that much more.
call me what you will but there it is plain to see.
kiss kiss otter

2004-08-24T17:00:00.000-07:00

Things that make me happy....
-ice cream
-lamb vindaloo
-Horses
-painting
-eric
-autumn
-my fish tank
-my family
-sushi
-pink grapefruit
-Ginger anything
-homemade lemonade
-not thinking about money
-reading
-comic books
-dance
-music
-a good set of negatives
-mangos
-dirt and water
-sharks
-orchids
-yellow
-showers
-pedicures
-massages
-shopping (not buying but shopping)
-the smell of bleach
-the ocean
-Pink
-Otters
-Rabbits
-the continuing support and love of my daddy
-netflix
-Ghram Green
-sticky rice
-coconuts
-strawberries
-drawing stupid crap
-my friends back home (ahoy Me matey!)
- love
- sex in the city
-collecting rocks at the beach
-catching lizards
-cream colored ponies and warm apple strudle
-sleigh bells, church bells(?) and snihzil (sp?) with noodles?
- sick twisted gross stuff... like that kid in the exorcist being eaten alive ... that was cool it was fucking 10 mins long!
-and Egon Shiele... man does his sick child molesting ass make me happy.

2004-08-23T20:14:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been burdened with the agonizing thought that maybe you really fucked someone over?

There are times when you are younger and I think, hind sight being 20/20, that being young and stupid are fine excuses for doing someone proper. However I come to a crossroads in my time that I think I may just have really hurt someone carelessly... Its not like I'm losing sleep over it... but fuck when do you get to stop chastizing yourself for ills past done? Karma being the sneaky bastard that it is may still have a trick in its hat just for me yet. The funny thing is I have to one to say "sorry" to at this moment. Ok thats a lie.
whatever this conversation is pissing me off.

hmmmm.....
school starts in a couple weeks... I'm going to vegas....I'm the happiest otter ever....
kiss kiss

2004-08-18T19:53:00.000-07:00

Isn't it really gross that your skin becomes super smooth and slick when you sun burns it, due to the fact you've killed all viable skin cells of the first dermis? I think so....

Alright that had something to do with my thoughts today....
Did you know in edition to the East bay and the "bay" proper there's another
"bay area"... south bay... yes all the comforts and crap of the bay and sun... lots of excruciating damning burning fucking sun! I'm working at my sister horse barn trying to earn money for vegas (god I want to marry a stripper!) horses are heavy... water seems heavy, grain is heavy, hay is itchy and heavy and I feel like I'm facing the gravity of the sun... (My weight on the sun is 439,087 lbs in case you were wondering the gravity weight exchange, and how I feel about the FUCKING SUN and its stupid large heavanly dumb ass!)

I thing I burned my eyelids......
fuck vindaloo, curry, photo developer ,the sun, genetics, my fucking eyes don't stand a chance!
i'M BLIND i'M FUCKING BLIND OH SWEET JESUS WHY?!?!?!?

Oh wait up.... I'm not blind.. thank whoever.
I want a soda... and my otter.....

2004-08-16T18:32:00.000-07:00

so I'm just plain not cool enough...
I tried to adopt a cat for my neice Kaitlen... NO!
I tried to sleep... No!
I wanted to get my nails done.. No!
And everyone thinks Kaitlen is my daughter...
I would have been 13 fuckers!
at 13 I was damn I don't know drinken and shootin herion but not fucking!
god damn
Lex say's I'd be a shitty mom....
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that I've never really thought about having children, I mean I have, but really now come on... or that I think he may be right... Fuck I can barely take care of myself!
fuck

2004-08-07T21:10:00.000-07:00

So today I learned a lesson from an unexpected place...
my kitchen, where my roommate's child's pet garden snake lives.
I listen to him eat... His name is robin.... Yeah I know weird.
any way I gave him a fish because he kept lookin at me and I felt bad.... as some will tell you I am afraid of small ribbon snakes (residual nightmares from my childhood wearing a crap ton of ribbons) but it was shot of amazing. The sounds were so delicate, yet if this had been to human scale they were probably deafening. His first attempted wrangling the gold fish were unsuccessful due to a larger than normal dorsal fin, which he could not swallow he actually had to regurgitate the thing and with no hands at all reverse its directions so that he could enjoy his meal.
you may ask, just what the hell was it that you learned?
I saw the beauty of this earthbound thing. The pink tinges around the throat, the expanding of the skin as he inhaled. And how for just a moment he seemed... Senescent.
like he could be frustrated, that this load was too difficult to to deal with, but he did.
If a fucking snake isn't going to give up then why the fuck should I?
alright I know the snake dose'nt have a credit report, or a tuition balance but damn it I'm going it to swallow it... no thats not right.... fuck it... no moral today for any of you fuckers.
lts ummm better If I just say I like the snake .... not enough to play with him but we're cool now.

2004-07-18T10:23:00.000-07:00

I need something to do.... Organizing my comic books by chronology, alphabet and publisher is starting to kill me... I need a real job.... Seriously.... And I miss Ivy. She's lucky to be in southern California.... I love san Francisco but lately it just feels like I'm trapped here. Eric is bringing me home... "A spoil of war " I'd say due to the increasing amount of bullshit dished out here in the big city... (not really big only 30 miles Squared.) I'm nervous and whatnot.... Yes I've already met his mum... But now she has home field advantage... And his dad... Who he says will be unaffected
but I'm still nervous... oh then you know.... Everyone else... His friends.... his big family!!! FAACKKKKK! Most of all I'm nervous to meet his friends... If there is anything I've learned from being alive It's that I'm wired and no one likes me... (note: the tern "no one" refers to the vast majority at large and does not refer to people who really know me.) but seriously I'm not..... well you know.... Normal. He has like dozens of friends... good friends.. who know his name and talk to him... Really good friends... I have maybe 10.... Probably less... I'm not by any stretch of the imagination complaining I love ya'll very very very much. And I wouldn't want many more real friends cuz to be honest I couldn't keep up. But I feel strangely inadequate to this legion in southern California. oh well here we go!

2004-07-12T18:11:00.000-07:00

I feel like crap....
I mean I feel sick and tired and kinda welll jus that ill.
Other than that I am very happy.
I ate a raw cheeseburger last week and Ivy say's I have ecoli...
this freaks me out...
I don't want Ecoli in my intestines.... ewwww
I ate afgani food last night for roz's birthday.. it was very tasty...
We went to one of my favorite bars but could'nt drink... driving sucks... I tried to sleep today but I am uncomfortable.... fack....
I need a job.

2004-07-06T00:33:00.000-07:00

So i got poision oak in the webbing of the last two fingers of my left hand and it hurts like hell. I'm deathly allergic to it.. I know I know everyone is right... no seriously I have to get medical attention and what not. to prevent the spreading of said malady i took ivy and i to our near by (not really) 24hr Wal greens to buy "sensitive area safe anti-itch" soap, calamine lotion, and anti-hystimine (sp?) fun fun at 4:30 am! then i droped my phone in a large body of water...commonly known for being a human waste receptacle...yes that one. 50 dinars later i own a seiman.. hee hee snarf! this phone that eric affectionatly calls "gay"(greco roman butt fucking) yes today was awesome from start to finish. I did get to see the otter today and eat shitty japanese food. best part of the day. I still have poision oak....it blows.

2004-07-04T13:29:00.000-07:00

razza frazza humanity's essay.....

2004-07-03T23:41:00.000-07:00

new post la la la...

I have been caring for my very sad sick friend Ivy...
just had her wisdom teeth pulled..(owwee!)
She gets oxycoden... no fair.

anyway its been nice being a homebody.

And for the first time in about ten years I miss sacramento. Its not horrible there as I had once believed. Just different.
I never liked going there growing up. As a matter of fact I would lie cheat or steal myself any excuse not to go.
This last time however was different... I took an otter home with me.
BUt of this I will not speak... rather I'd like to indulge my own opinions for the moment.
I am so happy I could explode.
so I'm strapped for a little cash and whatnot, who cares!?
I've never been so happy.
The otter is just part of it. there are friends...
good friends...
not a large group of them...but enough that for the first time
I can pull my head out of my ass and see that they are indeed there.
(alright one is in romania, one I'm sorry we did'nt get to see while in sac! (nicole sorry sorry), one has been passed out in my bed for 30+ hours,ect)
But I love them all.
Even though I don't talk to everyone everyday, I'm so comfortable with the fact that they all exist, it matters not!
as for they otter?
he is one of my my best friends.
Thank god for that....
or he may have been gone by now...
god damn I'm tired.

sorry for the mushy post but fuck you It's my blog and if you don't want to read it sod off! fucker.

2004-06-28T08:52:00.000-07:00

so... cats and kittens

last night i agreed to amuse my Boy friend and view the new film "documentary" sweeping the nation. You know which of what I speak and if you don't you are all the better for it! I do not currently feel like getting into it, but is was obnoxious, unentertaining and pathetic. I do however feel blessed to have my very own brain and my very own ideas with little or no use for propaganda or the like. I hate to say this but do we remember a little northern european country who felt a little blue about not being aces anymore with the united nations, who used propaganda films and an anti-nationalisim/pro-patriotism sentiment and utilized the weakened people to carry the social and moral burden for the ideal for a few liberal mad men? oh I'll give you a hint between 35-46' there were no plesent trips there! jesus christ get a clue! Let democaracy speak for itself and stay open minded. Don't let ither side tell you what to think.There is no need to "rock the vote"; EVERYONE can fucking vote! no one is oppressed here! no one is banned from the voters both in this country! No one is going to shoot you because of the color of your skin or whatever chromosome(s) you are packin when you get to that moment. its a matter of people getting off their ass' and doing it.

ok with that out of the way... i'm going home for a few days with my very own otter.... if you don't get it don't ask... I'm very excited to show him this place, and very very excited for him to meet my family! Hooray! I hope the heat dosen't kill him!

2004-06-26T14:32:00.000-07:00

ready? ok!
yesterday was eric's birthday....I got him an ungodly amout of chocolate.
we saw the worst film ever made (dodgeball)
we ate kick ass chinese food
the head chef and owner came over and did all the ordering for us!
I tried to get eric to eat buried 100 year old egg
(which is good!)
but he would'nt
I got 5 new cd's:
The police
telivision
Charlie parker
eels
bardo pond
life is good, yes?
Ivy saw MAry KAte olsen! with a fishy! wierd no?
I am hungry now........

oh and yeah.....
hearts and stuff.

2004-06-23T22:14:00.000-07:00

So....
today was awesome....crepes, sex and rock and roll!
what else do I need, right?
whats that you say?
how about a trip to the Art Deco show at the legion?
what do you know I got that shit in the bag!
Oh what about a super rad trip to Stintsion beach?
yep got that too suckers!!
But what was the best part of my super rad day you ask?
no not the Burrito
or even the parking space I snagged from the old bitchs...no no no.
well gentle viewer it was the...
love,
plain and simple.
Everything else was Jam and biscuits.

but now I have bills to pay and a monster fucking head ache....
so good night.

2004-06-20T15:08:00.000-07:00

yeah...(I like lists!)
this weekend I have learned some very important things...

1. If you plan on having a yard sale, ADVERTISE.. and don't do it when its fucking freezing outside. oh and don't laugh when people who's second language is english are around, they don't like it and they wont buy stuff.

2. Don't talk down about yourself or over apologize in front of the boy you like, for he will run screamming into the night.

3. If the movie is a remake there will be good moments but it wont be stellar.

4. Do not get mad at older Chinese women who try to cut in front of you, or speak over you in lines at the movies. Yes it is rude but the wrath you will incure is very reminicent of your mothers and therefore is too much to deal with before watching a light hearted comedic remake.

5. If the chance to go to New York comes up because your sister and her best friend's morning sickness' interfear with their plans, go. Go now!

6. Save your fucking money!

7. Don't eat Burger king ever ever again!

8. Don't make contact with the Ex-anything (boyfriend, girlfriends, roomates, best friends!) when you really don't want to, even if the electricity is out and there is nothing to do but reread catcher in the rye and eat Burger King.

9. Don't look up ex's on-line when the electricity comes back on because it will only solidify that shitty feeling in your chest.

10. Don't question the motives of anyone you are dating with out good reason, EVER!
you are STUPID if you do, and should be horse whipped and made to walk in something unpleasent...like egg shells...or shag carpeting.

11. smile only seven weeks of summer school left... less if I can swing it....

yeah... I am really tired but thankful to have slept an additional 6 hours yesterday, even if my and Ivy's yeard sale was utter crap (blew like the matrix!) I had a good time friday, and plan on having a great time this evening...if my social anxiety will allow it. I tell people I'm not social because I fear having too big a social chain. The truth is that I'm scared of people. I'm afraid they will find out I'm not very smart, or that I like crappy things. I've noticed in college that there are certain crappy things that are hip to like... Mullets, metal, shit like that....fucking art school.

2004-06-18T13:28:00.000-07:00

so i just had a massive anxiety attack sitting in my intensives final crit. I used to get anxiety attacks like this 4-5 times a week of different degrees, ranging from low sad type shit, to massive crying hysterical fits where I'd clench my fists until my palms bleed or my legs could'nt move. This one was somewhere in the middle. Could'nt breath...could'nt consintrate....crying....no vomiting....but all in all scary. Before I had attacks because I was intemidated, or could'nt think of the answers. Or at work because it seemed daunting or too difficult. Now I feel as though it could be the recent changes in my imediate life... I'm broke for the first time in years....this frustrates me....My new found relationship that I would'nt change for the world, but at the same time I fear fucking up...big. As far as Art is concerned I feel confident in my direction however i am afraid of not growing with my technique, or an inability to communicate my subject matter. I'm worried about my dad, who apparently got several cortizone shots into his spine yesterday? I'm worried about my western civ class and being the dumbest kid in the class.. (not as dumb as alex) but never the less dumb.. I'm worried about my roomate who just got his car towed to impound....I'm worried about my friends roomate hateing me because I don't like people to hate me, I try to stay ambivalent but its difficult... I want to hang out...but with who? I want to go home and see my mommy... I want to read the adventures of huck finn, I want gellato...I want to go to the opera's costume ball but found out about it's too late (oh well next year!) I want my room to be clean... I want good smelling laundry... I want everything to be fine...just short of alright. yeah and that too, always that.

fuck.

2004-06-15T21:09:00.000-07:00

so I like the zoo.

I like the ant eater, the otter, the tapir, and the leamurs.

I really like when I'm taken to the zoo. This makes paying for bad, make me sicky, zoo food all worth it. best date ever....

I'm afraid of the rhino though...he seemed quite... excited.

2004-06-12T15:24:00.000-07:00

today I realized I cannot escape being partly southern. My grandmother's sister and her husband from Oaklahoma, Jim and aunt Isis, came to visit. They are country, and for that I love them. My previous southern accent I developed living in texas so many years ago made a come back as I was surrounded by the drawls, and abbreviated words. Ya'll, goin, fixin, doin, all the termnalogy I had thought to be gone from my lexicon returned, great. "will one of Ya'll fix me a coke?", "Oh I was goin to the fishin pond, thinkin bout catchin me some cats!" (the fish not the felines) oh yes those good ol' boys and whatcha McCallits....good good. My Aunt isis said the funniest thing about rabbits. (everyones knows my obsession) She said that at one point she had two rabbits a male and a female, and when guests would come over she would put them in the same cage! she said and I quote, "You haen't seen fast sex until you've watched two rabbits go at it!, damn the are fast!" "Course after watching them have sex so often I could'nt rightly eat them so I gave them away...you know you just can't eat something you've watcheed have sex." Why am I able to admit all of this and not run for the cover of anonominity, you ask? Because I think it is the funnest thing I've ever heard...thats why!

I am fucking tired. last night we went out for beer food, and well beer and had a pretty good time. Lots of creepers at the bar though... I don't rightly like creepers. So we went home and watched the clerks cartoons...but we did'nt finish them...I may right now. but I'm kinda hungry... I may go fix myself some eats...hmmmm eats....

2004-06-10T10:30:00.000-07:00

alright.... time to dispel you fuckers who read this self absorbed drivil.
I do it fact like myself...
not like I like beer or anything but I do, upon occasion, cross paths
with one or more redemable traits that indeed are my very own!
I feel like my lexicon is laced with negativeity, due partially to the idea I have upheald for several years, this idea being "if i cut myself down first I will have the upper hand." Yes, ridiculous you say? retarded even? hmmm not very P.C. of you but i will take it. So as I'm sure my mental health care provider will tell me when i sit down in her chair a few weeks from now I will construct a list of possitive attributes.

1. I'm smart... not like that paralyzed invented gravity sort of smart
but I'm witty enough to make it through conversation with adults and peers
alike, and still quote stupid literature from high shcool and other random sources.(but I can't spell for shit!)Smart enough to make opinions and repeat them with little or no fear of sounding lame.

2. I'm not Sigfred the fucking sea monster.(the ugly thing) I cannot say that I am "beautiful" or "hot", but simply I know i did'nt roll snake-eyes in the looks department.(I'm a pretty girl who likes to wear pink! there I said it!!) I should'nt subject ya'll to the I'm too ugly to live speech anymore.

3. I can cook. (a little bit of self depricating here because last night I managed to ruin my favorite dish, I'm more than a little pissed about it but whatever its cool) but I can really!

4. I can dance. It makes me happy. Ballet, tap, hip hop ,(you don't stop), bellydance, whatever I wish I learned Capoia, but no time no time.

5. I have taste, highly stylized, and opinionated, but i'm able to disern what I like and why, musicaly, cinematicly, and artisticly. (this is a misspelled way of me telling you all that my tastes rein supreme over your crappy prefrences
((notice "humble" is not on this list.))

6.I have alot of heart. (and no I don't mean I have the hearts of others in a jar in my bed room! though it is pleasing idea) I'm very sensitive to others when people are'nt looking, I cry...alot. And I will more than likely feed you before I feed myself. (enter violin music) Because I'm a giver god damn it. a true believer in the kindness of the human condition. I love you.

7. I can make you laugh...if not with the jokes and dry humor than with the tip of my glock pressed into your face, mother fucker.... if I had a glock.....

8. I want to make you happy. all of you... except Crullea DuVill in my painting class. She can ... well you know suck a dick.

9. I'm artistic... I never knew painting rabbits fucking would take me so far! I also learned how to make amazing prints, thank you Hank...and my tutor Icarus.

and drum roll please.....

10. Ambition...lots and lots of hot sweaty self servicing ambition.
***************************************************************************

thank you for listening and if you didn't bugger of you sodding fuck! I'm cool and there's nothing you can do about it.

I needed that. ((stupid looking smile))

2004-06-08T15:58:00.000-07:00

I am smitten.
I also smell like oil paint
I'm starting to enjoy my art school expierence. (shhh don't tell anyone!)
I am smitten.
I'm also a little annoyed that my tuition rebate gets distributed to my father,
and then he gives it to me at his disgression.
this of course cuts into the possiblility
of new body art, shoes or extravagant sexy partys
probably for the better but at least i get money....
I want a beer, a 56 degree stout, maybe oatmeal, or chocolate....mmmmm
beer!
i am smitten.

2004-06-07T09:57:00.000-07:00

So I'm tired...really tired. My painting intensive is sucking my will to breath. I do however appreciate what it is doing for me, as far as skill, and apllication are concerned. (I love every second of it!) I will be going back home sooner than not. This always fills me with an overwhelming sence of frustration, and an abundance of painful memories. I wish I still knew everyone, I kinda wish they were still the same People I used to hang out with, back in the day. I miss those people, but I don't the people they are for the most part today. Something happens to young people who settle early. Their bitterness is no longer optimistic, or even humerous. Its like these kids in their early 20's are thirty eight and take on the presure of the world when they really don't need to accept that sort of responsibility. They seem so miserable. I am no better than any of these kids, but I feel like I managed to escape a dissapointing fate. i almost feel like years 18-21 were a waste, mainly because i can't remember a whole hell of a lot, and I wasn't foused on anything. I am so in love with life right now, it all seems charmed or surreal. I'm fine with that though, its about fucking time! I'm young! I don't want to be tied down to one place geographicly. I don't want to feel a resounding guilt or regret for never doing what I wanted and hanging onto the nearest stable thing. I am slowly begining to like who i am, I like who I hang out with. i like to drink beer, but not for the purpose for getting so fucked up I can't move of talk. I think i may even like living....but the jury is still out on that one.

In better news: I met someones mother yesterday. It felt like alot of pressure, because I'm really into this peson, alot. (hot damn) It was good. dinner, conversation, walking. good good. I was very nervous so I fear I came off like an idiot, but I've been assured time and time again it was fine. yeah. I'm stupid happy right now, i hope it is recepracated. (if its not don't tell me, I love suprise endings!)

oh crap! in less fun news the Student services chick is quitting! she always gave me the good paying jobs on campus! :-(

2004-05-30T19:06:00.000-07:00

Fuck...or actually not.
Today my best friend and conifidant gave me the most curious and I suppose intelligent advice. No sex. No sex. yeah you heard me. no sex. No second party action. no girls no boys. no sex. none. zip. zero. zilch. nadda. nothing. dear fucking god help me. A great volentary bout of abstinence. I suppose being newly single, and horny has the makings of a hidious debacle. And I'm glad the above mentioned friend had the balls(hee hee balls) to say something out of concern. I am frustrated none the less. (only at a later time will I address who if anyone I actually find to have sex with!) All of a sudden i feel like the Nuns from high school are laughing themselve into pissing fits at this very idea.

This is what I imagine ordering my life is like;
Waiter: "miss have you had a chance to peruse the wine list?",
Me: "no no I haven't, what goes with my loneliness heartbreak flambe?",
Waiter:"Why the 94 Chablis orgasmless madam, an agriviating bitter wine with a superbly unsatisfying un-noticable climax and risidual flat chalky aftertaste, it should suit you fine!"
ME:"Alright, what about dessert?, perhaps a Creme Brule`, or Bananna's foster?"
Waiter:"not for you, miss I'm afraid all thats availible for your disposal is tepid lemon water, and low-carb ice cream, or perhaps you'd enjoy a bowl of alone forever?!"

to those who read this and know me well, excuse me but what the fuck am I going to do?
I certainly can't galivant across the bay and sleep with who ever takes my fancy, and it is'nt healthy
emotionally ect, ect. But no sex? its not like air or water, but seriously, I'm the female equivilent to a thriteen year old boy! ahhhhhhhhhhh! Back to dieting and 20 hours a week at the gym! horay?

Fuck... or actually not.

2004-05-29T10:18:00.000-07:00

Alright I'm a compleat tool; However I do believe this is more me.

You're all about the music. Not too incredibly
mainstream, but not too incredibly underground.
It's awfully hard for anyone to oppose you,
seeing as how you rule.

What band from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-05-28T18:06:00.000-07:00

drinking always makes me feel lathargic the next day, especially sugary sweet drinks like the hypnotic, and raspberry lemon drops from last night. i am tired and lazy. A beautiful partnership indeed. Part of me longs to be back in San francisco,where I enjoy my newfound freedom, however i feel at risk for relapse here. I wish not to rekindle any past romances or develop tyrsts with people I barely know. I did enjoy the hot tub yeah it was relaxing... I can't wait to be home and create...hang out... fall into the sea for flying too close to the sun.. you know whatever.

2004-05-27T07:52:00.000-07:00

my mother is a fucking genius! I e-mailed her eailer saying that my life to date was "sub-par and she said;
"Its ok for life to be sub-par, life is like a roller coaster and we have to live to the fullest where ever were at on the ride!"
hot damn I love this woman!

2004-05-27T07:04:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and it was raining... I'm still shakeing sand out of my hair and I am the happiest I have been in weeks. That is all I will say.

2004-04-17T16:52:00.000-07:00

So I read this book "like the red panda" and it blew... yeah yeah I know I should'nt read a book and trust that it is any good based loosly on the fact it had a great write up in a popular magazine.... I know I know. Needless to say however, this person who reviewed this bowel movement of literature needs a swift kick in the ass, And on the unlikely fucking occurance The young girl who wrote the book (poop) happens upon this "blog" fear not, I trust your writing will improve and I mean no malice towards you personaly but come on! did you sleep with your publisher? some one damn it ! you had to! It was called "a catcher in the Rye in knee socks", which you really should have caslled it " a lame attempt at cashing in on a popular theme that leads in no direction to no intrest and no fesible end." I urge the rest of humanitiy to resist popular reading, but read damn it! read something you like! If you like early 90's christopher Pike horror novels, then fucking read them! They are a hell of a lot more interesting that any book that makes Mr. Salinger spin in his grave via Comparison. Fuck. In other personal intrest, my boyfriend is a wuss, who can't handle the idea of picking up dead rats, or fucking me in public. wow that was personal... oh well he will never ever ever ever ever read this because of his extreem lack of insight into my personal interworkings thoughts or feelings..... Hell no one reads this self absorbed drivil. Only one person even knows I type it!@ and if you see this dude.... I am sooooo tired! and hungry... hee heee. any way.... my boy friend.... yes what is there to say, I can't handle the idea of him "going away" and at the same time I fear it is what is best. I need stability I need assertiveness. I also secretly am too lazy to seek out any one else. dating blows. I met this guy Jeff the other day when I got pulled over and the PO PO took my car.. (YEs it sucked!) however this guy was nice and cute and I don't know a whole lot of people here so I got his number and said hey lets hang oput. He and I talked a couple times and then one night at 2 am he said I want to come over... I said cool I was lonely, and eric works now so I'm at square one with the friend circle... AGAIN! any who he comes over... I'm tired and he said," I'm bummed out that we arn't gonna do it." Just like that! as if every chick he meets lays down before him and screams "OH JEFF DO ME YOU VAGRANT COUCH SURFING SLACKER! OH YEAH GIVE IT TO ME YOU INEVITABLE TWO PUMP CHUMP!" I escorted him to my front door and squarly fit my chuck taylor on his ass and ever so gently pushed him out the door. I hate men. oh well...,. anyone else up for some ice cream?

2004-03-30T10:46:00.000-08:00

alright i'm as sensitive as the next stupid fuck but seriously now, life is getting rediculous1 i smell like vineger i hate that smell, my friend is mad at me cause i laughed at him, whatever fuck it... fuck this ... fuck him. i feel stupid because petty meaningless shit gets me down... like breaking a nail. now i know its a nail, and its stupid a vain and overall very paris hilton to care, but i do! my mother used to yell at me cause i like to paint my nails but i never took care of them. she said, "courtenay apperance is a small important part of your impression on people. you may not want them to care about you but you should take pride in your apperance, because evan though you don't know it its important." from that moment on i've been kinda obsessive compolsvie about my hands and for some reason the cleanliness of my clothes. i don't like to smell bad i don't like to look bad and i certainly don't like feeling bad, especially for lauging at my FRIEND! thats what friends do they laught and play and skip and frolic. drink beer, laugh laugh laugh laugh. i hate being "abrasive". in my youth i took it as kindo of a complement because i was'nt willing to sacrifice my own opinions and personality . but now i wear it like a yellow badge of shame. i need to take the movies back. i need to clean my room i need to shoot 6 rolls of fucking film, these things are important. not my nails... not my smell (i think this one is up for debate) not my overwheming urge to kiss my best friend because i'm alive and i can. no none of these things matter. in essance i don't matter. not in an emo the world wold'nt notice me missing sort of way but who am i? does anyone even know that i exist? i don't even have friends anymore.... you know it feels like every time someone calls me its for favors... can you drive me, can you take me can i barrow. why? am i so horrible? am i so stupid no one likes me? i cling to beau for support because he is the only person i have left. and now even he's going away. sometimes i sit in my room and watch tv in place of crying beacuse they is nothing left to cry for. sure they're are people who say they want me around, but its all sympathy. i should sew up my mouth and live in the forrest. yeah i'll take my comic books and live in the fucking woods that will show them. i'll be abrasive all i want in the woods. all by myself.

2004-03-16T23:03:00.000-08:00

So I'm at my moms house and I realize today just how much I miss my family... I'm such an emofuck... here I'll talk about something "cool", I really like the movie Tron. I heard they were going to remake it and I find it blasphamus. I mean you can't slam bitchen visuals into a movie that is soooo perfect already. Loook at the fucking matrix 3; its BLOOOOOWS! no really Blows. You know what else was a good movie, logans run. 70's goodness, sooo sexy and a great sort of social comentary on the importance of knowledge and wisdom. That and the wacka wacka soundtrack was uber hot! I feel like I pissed my friend off.... but I kinda feel like they were being kinda judgmental. You know its not easy being the rejected over and over again. When will i be good enough? bhmmmmm? anyone? yeah. oh shit sorry for the Emo tirade... ummm so TIm Burtons new project after charlie and the chocolate factory will be a stop animation feature about a guy engaged to a dead girl a la Nightmare before christmas. so cool. Today hy 80 was blocked going towards the bay and everyone had their car turned off and were wondering about the freeway. dosen't that seem excitingly dangerous? walking where few ever will but millions will drive over. they were all watching some sort of happening over the hill, but that held little intrest for me. But the thrill that these people were living ,so indulgent, a small victory for no one. I'm in love with ridiculous triumph.

2004-03-14T14:50:00.000-08:00

This is my first blog.... wow.... I'm inthralled.... no really... it feels good... a little too good. Ah the self servicing of youth.... funny I have nothing to say.
yeah.... seacrest out.